The Land That Made Me Me

This may have been written by Jack Parnell, who can be heard reciting it here.

The Land That Made Me Me

Long ago and far away, 
In a land that time forgot, 
Before the days of Dylan, 
Or the dawn of Camelot. 
There lived a race of innocents, 
And they were you and me, 
Long ago and far away 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Oh, there was truth and goodness 
In that land where we were born, 
Where navels were for oranges, 
And Peyton Place was porn. 
For Ike was in the White House, 
And Hoss was on TV, 
And God was in His heaven 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We longed for love and romance, 
And waited for the prince, 
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, 
And no one's seen him since 
We danced t o "Little Darlin'," 
And Sang to "Stagger Lee" 
And cried for Buddy Holly 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, 
And three was one too many, 
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, 
Except for Jean McKinney 
And only in our wildest dreams 
Did we expect to see 
A boy named George, with Lipstick 
In the Land That Made Me Me

We fell for Frankie Avalon, 
Annette was oh, so nice, 
And when they made a movie, 
They never made it twice. 
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, 
Or Psycho Two and Three, 
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, 
And Chester had a limp, 
And Reagan was a Democrat 
Whose co-star was a chimp. 
We had a Mr. Wizard, 
But not a Mr. T, 
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had our share of heroes, 
We never thought they'd go, 
At least not Bobby Darin, 
Or Marilyn Monroe. 
For youth was still eternal, 
And life was yet to be, 
And Elvis was forever, 
In the Land That Made Me Me

We'd never seen the rock band 
That was Grateful to be Dead, 
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, 
And Zeppelins weren't Led. 
And Beatles lived in gardens then, 
And Monkees in a tree, 
Madonna was a virgin 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, 
Or telephones in cars, 
And babies might be bottle-fed, 
But they weren't grown in jars. 
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, 
And "gay" meant fancy-free, 
And dorms were never coed 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets 
To talk about the lag, 
And microchips were what was left at 
The bottom of the bag. 
And hardware was a box of nails, 
And bytes came from a flea, 
And rocket ships were fiction 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Buicks came with portholes, 
And side show came with freaks, 
And bathing suits came big enough 
To cover both your cheeks. 
And Coke came just in bottles, 
And skirts came to the knee, 
And Castro came to power 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, 
We had no Hill Street Blues, 
We all wore superstructure bras 
Designed by Howard Hughes. 
We had no patterned pantyhose 
Or Lipton herbal tea 
Or prime-time ads for condoms 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches, 
No Perriers to chill, 
And fish were not called Wanda, 
And cats were not called Bill. 
And middle-aged was thirty-five 
And old was forty-three, 
And ancient was our parents 
In the Land That Made Me Me.

But all things have a season, 
Or so we've heard them say, 
And now instead of Maybelline 
We swear by Retin-A. 
And they send us invitations 
To join AARP, 
We've come a long way, baby, 
From the Land That Made Me Me.

So now we face a brave new world 
In slightly larger jeans, 
And wonder why they're using 
Smaller print in magazines. 
And we tell our children's children 
Of the way it used to be, 
Long ago, and far away 
In the Land That Made Me Me.